Parentification & Parentified Children
Definition:
Parentification
- A form of role reversal, in which a child of a personality-disordered
parent is inappropriately given the role of meeting the emotional or
physical needs of the parent or of the other children.
Description:
Some parents who suffer from personality disorders
actively or passively transfer the responsibility for meeting their
own emotional and physical needs or the emotional and physical needs of
other family members to one of their children.
Parentified children may have an expectation placed on them to sacrifice play, friendships with peers, sleep or schooling.
The eldest child or the most emotionally or
physically mature child among a group of siblings is often the one who
is most prone to being parentified. In some cases, a child of the
opposite sex is chosen to meet the emotional and physical needs of the
parent and assume the role of a "surrogate spouse".
Children are often anxious to please their parents
and a parentified child will often take their new responsibilities very
seriously. They may even feel honored initially to have a greater
responsibility entrusted to them. In some cases, the child is the one
who takes the initiative to take on more responsibility and the parent
passively allows it to happen. However, the child will generally suffer
from having his or her own emotional needs neglected. Parentified
children may struggle with lingering resentment, explosive anger and
difficulty in forming trusting relationships with peers, often following
them into adulthood. Forming close, trusting romantic and spousal
relationships may be difficult for adults who were parentified as
children.
There are two common types of parentification - physical and emotional.
Physical Parentification (Also Called Instrumental Parentification):
Physical Parentification is when a child is given
the responsibility of looking after the physical needs of the parent
and/or the other siblings. This can include duties such as cooking,
cleaning, grocery shopping, paying bills, managing the household budget,
getting kids ready for school, supervising homework, dispensing
medications etc.
Physical parentification is different from assigning
household chores to children, which is a normal and healthy practice.
Assigning chores becomes dysfunctional when it reaches a level where the
real parent abdicates their own responsibility for the care of the
children, where the task assigned is beyond the developmental maturity
of the child or where the assigned duties leave little or no time for
the child to engage in normal childhood activities, play, peer
friendships, schooling or sleep.
Emotional Parentification:
Emotional Parentification is when a child is given
the responsibility of looking after the emotional and psychological
needs of the parent and/or the other siblings.
This can include the case where the parent begins to
confide in the child, discussing their problems and their issues, and
using the child as a surrogate for a spouse or a therapist. This kind of
emotional parentification is sometimes referred to as "emotional
incest"
Other siblings, taking their cues from the parent, may also attempt to unburden themselves on the child. (info. from http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Parentification.html)
What can you do about it?
If you were parentified:
Accept that you need to go back and develop your emotional maturity step by step. Do not blame, just accept your situation and take the time to HEAL. This blog has resources to help.
If you have parentified your child:
Become Emotional Mature yourself and stop relying on your children to meet your emotional needs.
Love your child and allow your child to develop his/her emotional maturity naturally.
